You guys could win with literally anyone but Trump. *Anyone* else.

To put it mildly, people writing the obituaries of the Republican Party after the horrors of 1/6 were greatly mistaken. For as much as most voters hate the last president, they sure don’t care for the Democrats or Joe Biden either. Not after debacles like the helicopters-at-Saigon Afghan pullout or the ongoing “reconciliation” dumpster fire. Not after liberals cheerily lost culture-war debates over CRT, censorious trans-activism extremism, and, as always, campus kookiness. When not shackled by a certain someone, conservatives are quite clever at highlighting the worst of progressive excesses, knowing that liberals are too afraid of their extremist flank to denounce obvious evils like Ibram X. Kendi’s Orwellian-named “anti-racism,” of which CRT is a subset. Youngkin successfully rebranded his opponent from a boring Clintonian centrist to a devious extremist out to teach your kids that racism against whites is a good thing, and it’s fairly obvious that the GOP will have little trouble pushing the same message in the 2022 midterms.

And they would in 2024 against Biden, if they nominated literally anyone else constitutionally qualified to run for president besides one specific guy. That is the only rule. Nominate anyone — anyone — besides *you know who*, and they win. Period.

For instance, here’s a guy who would kick Joe’s elderly ass from one coast to the other. It wouldn’t be close. He’d make states like Pennsylvania look like Alabama on election maps.

So would she. Conservatives correctly note her looks alone would mesmerize the male voter like a Ram 1500 ad during a college football game. But her occasional moves to slightly (very slightly) soften the harsh MAGA agenda here and there would win points with suburban moms as well.

But we don’t have to restrict ourselves to the obvious 2024 contenders. This spineless wimp is nobody’s idea of executive material, but any campaign manager with a pulse could make him look like Pericles by comparison to poor ol’ Joe. He’d pull 300+ electoral votes, easy.

Or even some random backbencher nobody’s heard of would be soon thought of as the hero savior of America, beating back the woke mob. Who can tell these guys apart? It doesn’t matter. Pick a card, any card. “Sir, Mr., uh, whatever your name is, President, sir, we have a situation” one of these interchangable guys will be told sometime in 2025 after almost carrying New Jersey.

Hell, even the worst of the worst of the GOP could win in this environment. You may ask, how could this dumbass get his hands off of some high schooler long enough to run a campaign? The obvious answer is, he wouldn’t be running anything. Just stick him in a bunker somewhere with daily Jim Beam deliveries and a few tapes of Barely Legal(tm) pornos, and let the Biden campaign self-destruct on its own. A few Kamala pressers later, and this guy is celebrating at the inaugural ball with a homecoming queen. Seriously. You guys can nominate literally anyone except one specific guy, and 1600 is automatically yours.

But why limit ourselves to politicians? This guy’s so evil, even O.J. Simpson is like, damn dude, cool your jets a little, maybe pet a cute puppy now and then or something. But, yep. Landslide victory.

Here’s someone else who passes the only rule of 2024. You’ll just need to stock the bunker with boxed wine instead of Gaetz’s booze. She’ll probably run on a platform of legalizing driving under the influence or something, and still win Michigan by 200,000 votes.

Want more free advice? Even this villain would win, provided The Batman doesn’t catch up with him first. “Joe, one last point. I can fill a room or just one heart. Others may have me but I can not be shared. What am I?”

And related to the backbencher observation before, the person need not be too famous. This random local GOP official could, in theory, become the 47th president. After all, he too follows the only rule that matters. Local median swing voter: “He’s not Biden… OR that other guy either? All I needed to hear. Sold.”

So could any of these ordinary people. Mary Thomas, mother of four, assistant manager at the tire shop, and your next commander in chief.

Drive by any Waffle House at 3am. Pick anyone. You can make them president. After all, they aren’t that one specific guy. It’s that easy!

Too high class for you? Head down to the county lockup and ask to browse their finest selections of tweakers. Just think. You can have a Republican president without teeth by age 50 if you really wanted. “Blaze 2024: There Are Spiders Under My Skin” would go down as the motto that unseated an incumbent president, because all you did was follow the one rule of not nominating exactly one specific bronzer addict.

But you won’t. This is all moot. Joe Biden will still be president in 2025. Because you fucking dumbasses are absolutely, positively guaranteed to vote for the one loser who could possibly go down in defeat against Sleepy Joe — as he already has. You people are so stuck on stupid that God himself would tell you to pick DeSantis or Noem or Mr. Meth-head above, and you’d tell the Lord Almighty to kiss your ass because there’s only one president of your heart. And so you’ll go to the polls, if state Republican parties even bother to have primaries that year, ready to own the libs by nominating the one man they so desperately want you to nominate. Idiots.

But hey. At least Mitch McConnell will regain the senate majority leader title until hell freezes over. So there’s that.